Breaking the "Um" Habit
Alright. We've slowed down, we've used the pause instead of running from it. Now let's go after the thing that fills the pause when you don't want it filled: "um."
Everybody's got a filler word. Some people say "like." Some say "you know." My wife April busted me on mine years ago, and it wasn't even a word, it was a habit.
I was practicing a talk in the kitchen, out loud, like I always do before I give one. April was doing dishes and half-listening, and after a while she turns around and says, "you say 'um' every time you look at the ceiling."
I didn't believe her. Told her that's not a thing. She made me do it again and watch. Sure enough. Every time I lost my place for half a second, my eyes went up to the ceiling like the next sentence was written up there, and out came "um" while I searched for it.
Here's the thing. The filler word isn't the actual problem. It's just what shows up when you're stalling. My eyes going to the ceiling was the stall. The "um" was just the sound the stall made.
So if you want to fix "um," you don't fix the "um." You fix whatever you're doing right before it.
Find your tell
Everybody's got a physical tell that comes right before the filler word. Mine was the ceiling. I've seen people look down at their feet. I've seen people touch their face. One guy in a class a while back clicked his pen every single time, didn't even know he was doing it.
You need to find yours, and you can't find it by thinking about it. You find it by having somebody watch you, same as April did with me.
At home this week: record yourself talking for two minutes on anything. Doesn't have to be your actual talk, could just be what you did today. Watch it back with the sound off first. Just watch your eyes, your hands, your head. You're looking for a pattern that repeats.
Then watch it again with sound on and see if the pattern lines up with the filler word. It usually does.
If you don't want to do video, ask somebody at home to just watch your face while you talk and tell you what they see. Don't ask "did I say um a lot." Ask "what was I doing right before I said it." That's the more useful question.
Fix the tell, not the word
Once you know your tell, the fix is almost boring. For me it was keeping my eyes level instead of drifting up. That's it. I didn't do breathing exercises or anything fancy. I just made myself stop looking at the ceiling, and the "um" mostly went with it.
Small fix, big difference. That's usually how it goes with this stuff. People think they need some big technique and really they just need to notice one small thing they're doing and stop doing it.
When it still slips out
You're not going to be perfect. I still catch myself saying "um" now and then, especially if I'm tired or the room's bigger than I'm used to. When it happens, don't panic about it and definitely don't apologize for it out loud. Nobody in the room is counting your "ums" the way you are. You just stop, take your beat, and keep going.
This connects to an opinion I've said before and I'll say it again here: nerves aren't the enemy, being unprepared is. Most of the time "um" shows up because you don't know your next sentence cold. You know the idea, but not the words for it yet, so your mouth stalls while your brain catches up. That's why cutting the filler word is really about knowing your material better, not about training yourself to bite your tongue.
A caution here
Don't go overboard trying to eliminate every "um" the first week. If you get too focused on not saying it, you'll tense up and that shows on your face worse than the filler word ever did. Fix the tell, practice a few times, let it improve gradually. This isn't a one-night fix, it took me months honestly.
Before next time
Do the recording exercise and find your tell. Don't try to fix it yet, just notice it. Next lesson we'll talk about what to do with your hands while all this is going on, because that's usually tangled up in the same knot.