Keeping cards and family separate
Okay. Last time we did the read-every-line-once-a-month habit, so hopefully some of you have already caught a weird charge or two. No worries at all if you haven't gotten to it yet, we've got time.
New module today. This one's called Habits That Keep You Out, which, I like that framing better than "good habits" because it's specific. These are the things that keep you from ending up back where you started. And the first one is a little different from what we've covered so far because it's not really about the bank at all. It's about your people.
Here's the rule, and I'll just say it plain: don't lend or borrow credit cards with family. Not "your card for the flight," not "just put it on mine and pay me back," none of it. I know that sounds harsh coming right after weeks of me telling you cards aren't the enemy. They're not. But mixing them with family relationships is where things get messy in a way that has nothing to do with APR.
Why this is actually its own lesson
I used to think this was common sense, like, obviously don't do this. Then I did it myself. My brother Christopher needed a card for a flight — some airline thing where the ticket had to be booked under a card that matched the name on the reservation, I don't fully remember the details — and I said sure, no problem, use mine.
It took four months to get squared up. Not because he was trying to dodge me. Life just happened, he forgot, I felt weird bringing it up, he felt weird when I finally did bring it up. There was a stretch where neither of us wanted to be the one to mention it and that's a bad place to be with your own brother. We got there eventually. But I remember thinking, this is such a small thing and it turned into this weird cloud over our relationship for a season. Wasn't worth it.
So now the rule for me is simple: if it's my card, I'm the one using it. If someone needs help, I either give them cash outright as a gift, no strings, or I don't do it at all. There's no in-between where my name and their spending live on the same statement.
What to actually do at home
A few practical things, if you're the person in your family everybody asks:
Take your name off anything you're not actively using. If you added a sibling or a kid as an authorized user years ago and forgot about it, go check. That's fine if it's intentional — like helping a kid build history — but it should be a decision you're making right now, not something left over.
If you want to help someone, decide in advance if it's a gift or a loan, out loud. Not implied. Actually say the word. "This is a gift, don't worry about paying me back" or "this is a loan, I'd like it back by such-and-such." The awkwardness of saying that sentence is way smaller than the awkwardness of four months of silence.
Never let someone else's card autopay out of your account or vice versa. This one seems obvious but I've seen it happen with couples and with parents and adult kids. Once the money's flowing automatically between two people's finances, untangling it later is a project.
The subscription thing, since we're on habits
I'll admit something here because it fits. A while back I was going through my statement — this was actually while I was building the read-every-line habit I told you about — and I found a $9.99 charge I'd been paying for two years. Some app I used maybe twice, total. Two years of $9.99 is not gonna bankrupt anyone, I know. But it bugged me because I teach "read every line" and I still missed it for two years straight on my own statement.
I bring it up here because it's the same muscle as the family thing. It's about not letting things run on autopilot just because it's easier in the moment to not have the conversation, or not read the line. The four months with Christopher and the two years with that subscription are the same mistake, honestly. I just let something keep going because dealing with it felt like more friction than it was worth.
I feel like people think of "financial discipline" as being about spreadsheets and interest rates, and some of it is. But a lot of it is just being willing to have the slightly awkward five-minute conversation now instead of the much worse one later.
One more thing
If you're the family member who's always being asked — and some of you are, I can tell — it's okay to have a boundary here. "I don't lend cards, but I'm happy to help another way" is a complete sentence. You don't owe anyone an explanation past that.
Before next time: take a look at who's an authorized user on your accounts, and who you're an authorized user on. If anything surprises you, that's your sign to have the conversation this week, not eventually.